Part 2: No more “I Love Yous”
There is no deeper wound then the one inflicted upon you after losing someone you love. To know they are out in the world giving someone else their gazes, tongue, fingers, cock, smiles, and I love yous. It’s a wound that quickly festers….and when left untreated it can become fatal.
Within the first few months of dating Matty I had used….Like a moth to flame I found myself very close to ruining a wonderful thing before it had even begun. Disgusted with myself unable to look in the mirror I decided to come clean to Matty right away. Prior to this he had no clue about my addiction…..slight omission on my part. Before confronting him I took a pair of electric clippers and shaved my head. I needed a change some type of symbolism that I was shedding this fucking snake skin and diving head first into being the person who he deserved. It wasn’t easy looking into his eyes….telling him I let a guy blow me so I could hit his meth pipe. I was fully prepared for things to end right there….but they didn’t. He forgave me…..I truly didn’t deserve him. I wonder if he wishes he hadn’t, if he considers this one of his biggest regrets? I told him it would never happen again, that I loved him and he was worth staying clean for…..and so I did.
For three years Matty and me would be a WE or an US. I loved saying WE. WE WE WE WE WE ……..I could say it all day. (Insert snooty upper class Gwyneth Paltrow esque accent) WE will see you for dinner. WE’RE staying in tonight. That isn’t going to work for US Becky. The singular identities that were Alex and Matty had melted away and WE had been transformed into coexisting entity of coupledom. WE were a disgustingly cute couple too; WE shared each others clothes and had date nights. Nights off were spent cuddling on the couch watching our favorite shows together. For a long time I felt as though the old Alex the one who had become addicted to meth, who had caused his parents so much turmoil and grief, and been capable of such selfishness, had been nothing more then a bad dream. Unfortunately that fantasy of burying who I was just that! Fantasies of a boy who didn’t realize just how far gone he already was.
I think the biggest lie couples sale themselves and others is that their relationship is perfect. We truly do ourselves and others a huge dishonor by comparing happiness to perfection. Nothing and no one is perfect….and neither will your relationship be. There’s going to be moments where you absolutely hate the person your with. They will do something to piss you off and make you question what in the exact hell you see in them. It’s in these moments that true love (Not Lust) is formed. Because true love is seeing the things you hate in someone and loving them anyway. I truly loved Matty, his annoying traits soon became cute little quirks. His insecurities became endearing. I believe Matty loved me….but not fully, not the entirety of me. I think there were parts of me that he was embarrassed by. I had dropped out of high school and hadn’t made any real indication of finishing. We shared a car because I didn’t have one; I drank heavily, no real goals or aspirations. I really don’t blame him! He was about the only good thing I had going for me.
In short I was basically a loser. But I had potential, potential Matty saw in me and was determined to drag out even sometimes by force. Matty got me hired at Starbucks, further proving that he was the root of my coffee addiction. He encouraged me to get my GED so I started classes, all at a snails pace. After two years of being together we were faced with a tough decision. My father and mother were going back to Atlanta for dad’s work. I was still living with my parents and was faced with a choice that was utterly terrifying. Leave Florida, leave Matty …..Or stay and attempt to make it on my own. Neither I nor Matty wanted to part from one another, so we decided to take the next step in this love story and get our own place. I wish I would have left with my parents….If I would have known how royally I would fuck things up I would hop in the nearest DELOREAN and altered this little fork in the road. Maybe then me and Matty’s ending would have been bitter sweet. Instead we would lie and betray one another, cheat, and I would lose my self in mourning in alcohol and drugs.
There would be no more “I love yous”……..