I want to start with a quick update since it has been awhile since my last post. Strangely things are good! I just finished the Vivitrol program and I would give it a solid B+. I would highly recommend it to any one who has the strong desire to change but just needs a little extra help getting there. The main thing to realize is it’s not a cure….it will help you with cravings but it doesn’t eliminate them completely. But for me it was that little push I needed to give my body and mind some much needed respite. I have a new found sense of focus and determination that I didn’t have before.
Now onto the post.
It’s my firm belief that all of Earths creatures from the rats in the sewers to the bag lady at your corner grocery store have one thing in common and that is the secret need to be loved. No matter how much some of us do protest it’s factored into our DNA (PROCREATE) or in my case (SODOMIZE). We are searching for that one person to complete us or at least tolerate us long enough to boink. As if the journey to find said person to love/boink isn’t hard has it is throw being an addict into the mix and you might as well become a priest or nun and give it up to God…….he has to love you right?
The main issue dating is that no matter how long you’ve been clean or in recovery the moment you say the words “I AM AN ADDICT” all they picture from that point on is you sticking a rusted needle in your arm. Not a sexy picture. So two bad things happen! One you’ve just lost this potential person you’ve risked being honest and vulnerable too. Second you’re once again defeated by your addiction.
Skip to your friends saying “Your better off” Blah “He just doesn’t know the real you” Blah “They’re out there just keep looking” Blah blah blah blah. In reality all I can think about is because of my shortcomings I’ve lost out on something. I’ve had this happen a few times now in the last few months much to the dismay of my Therapist. She believes dating adds to stress, which could lead to anxiety, which leads to drugs, which leads to the dark side. So by her standards I should sequester my self to the life of self discovery and healing NAMASTE.
I don’t think I should stop looking for love because I’m not in a perfect place. I mean if they can’t accept this part of me than they’d be rejecting a major portion of why I am the way I am. I’m also not blind to the fact that dating me is a major fucking gamble. It’s definitely not the stuff of fairy tales to find out on your 3rd date with someone that they an addict. I just wish guys would give me the chance to show them that I’m so much more then just that.
I sometimes wonder days after I’ve been ghosted, by what ever guy I was dating, if I should have withheld the details of my addiction until further down the road. I’m quickly reminded of my promise of honestly. Honesty is why I’m in recovery. Honesty is how I was finally able to look myself in the mirror and not turn away. It set me free and without it I would still be in denial about the truest part of my self and that is I AM AN ADDICT. I’m also a hopeless romantic ….I have dreams sometimes that this man with no face is looking at me as I tell him this and instead of recoiling or running he smiles and takes my face in his hands and says “ You could be a murder and I’d still love you”.
My main focus will always be on staying clean its my forever short term goal but I never want to give up on finding that person who completes me. I know he’s out there …..Hopefully he’s not too short though because that’s just something I won’t put up with.