Its never easy writing down ones mistakes. Chronicling ones miss-steps, and wrong turns is no pitcher of sweet tea. More like a salt water cleanser…..it can be a little hard to swallow. So apologies for taking so long to get back to this particular event.
So there it was, I had just gotten high for the first time. It was euphoric, pure ecstasy. Every single inhibition, every shed of insecurity had melted away. I loved it, and it loved me. This love affair would go on for the next five years. It would start off innocent at first but quickly morph into something more sinister. I would see and do things that will haunt me for rest of my life.
I continued seeing J (aka The Man Who Stole the World) every chance I got. I skipped school and he’d snag me up for the day. It wasn’t always drugs, sometimes we’d just go to Atlanta and walk around the park, or we’d watch movies or play video games. Other times he’d contact me in the middle of the night….those were the drug times. I, a fifteen year old boy, was purely satisfied just to be in his company. As much as I enjoyed my high state my parent’s voices still bounced around my head “drugs are bad.” I’d always feel the rush of guilt during so I decided I didn’t need to be high. One night when he pulled out his baggy of meth I told him I was good.
“I don’t want to do it alone” he would tell me.
“You’re so much sexier when you let go”.
“I guess I could just take you back home”.
I wanted him to love me, I wanted him to want me, going home and being away from him was not an option. Once while we were high J ran out of drugs. He was coming down hard and was in no mood to stop. His face became sullen, his mood sour. We found the nearest wifi hotspot and he found a score pretty quickly. We drove to Buckhead and wound up at a pretty ritzy hotel. I questioned what was going on and he just grabbed me by the face and told me to trust him. We entered the hotel and darted towards the elevator dodging the front desk staff. We arrived on a middle floor and he knocked on one of the room doors. Inside were many naked men engaging in all sorts of sexual behaviors…..The rooms owner was a handsome middle aged man who smiled and ushered us in.
J held my hand as we entered. My heart was pounding and I was a mix of excited and nervous. On a night stand with a swanky lamp laid a plethora of drugs….J quickly took his dose as our host introduced himself to me. He told J he had done really well and couldn’t be happier with who he brought. I didn’t understand what he meant, but of course was flattered he liked me. The men in the background took me in with their eyes, each handsome if not a little old for my taste. Our host handed me a drink and informed me it was filled with some GHB. I sipped it and quickly fell into a bit of a haze….I melted and became relaxed and aroused; I felt a sense of power and desire.
I became engaged in my surroundings; one of the men asked me exactly my age. I had known it was smart in these situations to lie and lie I did…..”Eighteen” I told him. Quickly J spoke up “He’s fifteen”. I shot him a look, I had never told him my actual age and here he seemed to have known I was lying the entire time. I was mortified but no one seemed bothered by this declaration. I was sure I would be asked to leave but instead our gracious host sat next to me and started to undress me.
When the night came to a close J was handed a wad of cash and more drugs upon our exit….”I added a little extra, I just love it when you bring me cute boys”. The word boys played over and over in my head. The way it rolled off his tongue just felt wrong and dirty. Here this man whom I fell in love for had just pawned me off to a group of sudo pedophiles for drugs and a little cash. What hurt more and still haunts me to this day is I wasn’t the only BOY he had handed up on a platter. I tell myself I knew what I was doing that I was in control but what if the others weren’t. Things with J should have ended right there but my infatuation was in full swing and no harm had actually come to me. No….the true harm would come later……….