Tethers

 

Salvation is fast approaching……I may be over dramatizing a bit but for me salvation is what this drug could bring me. Vivitrol is a monthly shot given to people dependant on alcohol or heroin. What is Vivitrol?

Vivitrol is one of the newest medications available and can treat both opiate and alcohol addiction. It blocks other opioids from acting on the receptors in the brain and can also help ease drug cravings. By blocking the effects of other opioids it takes away the pleasurable effect, which can help with preventing relapse. Although it is not fully understood as to why an opioid antagonist works in treating alcoholism, it is believed that Vivitrol blocks the pleasurable effects of alcohol by blocking the release of endorphins caused by alcohol. This treatment can help you stop misusing opioids and alcohol and, when combined with counseling, can help you rebuild your life.

There you have it but to me it’s so much more than that, its injectable hope. I’m fast approaching thirty and my options for recovery are wearing thin. I’ve done rehab, I’ve tried AA, twelve steps, prayer, wicca, meditation. Hell I’d rub horse shit on my body if I thought it would help. I don’t want to enter my thirties with this looming over me soaking up all my potential and happiness like a thirst-full sponge. So here’s hoping this works, here’s hoping it gives me the extra strength I need to finally beat this. I have so much more than just this drug though; I have so many people on my side. They are tethers holding me down from floating into the abyss.

Over a year ago I had reached one of my darkest moment. With all my self destruction I never ever thought of ending it all. I always had a will to live; I’ve only ever contemplated suicide once. I had almost a year and six months sobriety under my belt when I threw it out the window for a night of fun and release. It was a weekend my parents had gone away to visit my brother in Florida and left me in charge of their home. So what did I do with that trust? I put it into a blender and pushed crush! Every thing I had worked so hard to build was decimated in one night. It was during the “come down” that I took a hard look at myself in the mirror and couldn’t stomach what was reflected back at me. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a steak knife and pressed it against my skin right along the same scars I had inflected so many times previously. Only this time I wanted to do more than hurt myself……I wanted it done.

But I decided I ultimately  wasn’t done fighting; I quickly picked up my cell phone and called someone to help me. My first tether is my dear friend Becky. I’m not sure she will ever know the gratitude I will always hold for her. Without hesitation she dropped everything and rushed right over. She sat with me without judgment or contempt and just talked to me. She later went home and grabbed her things and stayed the night and instantly brought me back to a sense of normalcy. I laughed and cried with her, and was reminded that even though I had thought of the unthinkable……I still had so much in my life to live for. Becky has always been one of my major supporters she is such a wonderfully good person and just having her around me makes me feel inherently good as well. She saved my life that day……

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In the weeks after I would make some hard choices that unfortunately would lead to holes left in my life. Toxic friendships were released but not easily, I would find myself lonelier than ever and being a social person I needed friends but I would need to be more cautious on how I made them. Previously I had made all my friends the good old way by going to the bar. It was time for a major shake up. In the Dayton, Ohio area I had heard of a group of gay men that would meet up a few times a month to discuss safe sex, gay culture , and other various topics. The best part of this was it was in a safe environment where drugs and alcohol were not aloud. I decided  what the hell let’s give these losers a shot. I was sure I’d do one meeting find them utterly boring and never return.

 

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When I walked into that first Mu Crew meeting I had no idea what to expect. I couldn’t fathom the friendships that were in-store, the support I would be given. I would soon gain countless tethers , countless brothers. They would welcome me with open arms, be phone calls when I was feeling down, reminders of why I am working so hard, role models, teachers, lovers, inspirations. They opened me up……helped me embrace the real me, the me free of drugs and alcohol. It’s been only a little over a year since they’ve been apart of my life but in that short time I’ve experienced so much all while being sober ! Thank you boys.

Life is to hard and to short to go it alone. We need people to help make the journey. Alone we are weak but together we find strength. I have many more tethers as well…….Family and friends, coworkers, customers, my dogs. I have so many lighthouses shining their lights and showing me the way…..but it was only when I was lost in darkness that they became apparent to me. I going to use every weapon in my arsenal to combat this….Not only the Vivitrol but also all of you. Thanks to all those in my life who believe in me.13335578_10154226742281506_5783882234878593516_n13315612_10154226741956506_6722092188614586663_n13015450_10156758582880487_8627080007972699715_n12733551_10204261123928533_8043759483408581744_n12360354_909687395776222_7767935960075986814_n12063894_10207523218779165_2514328499276476932_n11755343_10155849783980487_3106217946925979400_n150324_466018592797_5860490_n13432380_10206201433980981_3398052470181384276_n.jpg

 

 

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One thought on “Tethers

  1. Alex that was beautifully stated. And I am so very proud of you. Becky is an amazing person but I didn’t know how much she stepped up to the plate at your darkest moment. Much love and prayers my very dear friend.

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