A lot has happened recently, I’ll start with the hardest and that was a relapse. It’s hard for me to put into words the disappointment I feel but it happened and on the grand scheme of things it could very well happen again. I pray and plead that it won’t…..I’m most upset that as a result I shut my self off. I lost myself in self hatred and doubt when I should have been reaching out to friends and family. It’s hardest to face those who believed in you…who you promised this was it and you were finally done.
I learned from my therapist, whom now I have complete trust in, that I am a binge user……. I’m not dependent on everyday use , in fact my body wont even crave it on a daily basis. Instead it builds and builds and builds until the cravings start to overflow and overrun. Most addicts have to fight off cravings every single day….a constant battle to stay clean with constant reminders that they are in fact fighting for survival. Since my cravings seem to build overtime there’s a grace period where I feel completely normal…..and it’s in that period when I let my guard down …. that’s when I’m most vulnerable to relapse.
Recently I had not one but two people question if I was even ready to quit. At first I was pissed off. Of course I was ready to fucking quit. Id been trying for years and I’ve done everything possible, but then I could see their reasoning’s behind the questions. Had I really tried though, did I truly want to be done? Does someone who truly wants to be done falter over and over. What if deep down in my guts I wasn’t ready. It was a truly terrifying thought. I quickly began to think about all that I had lost due to my addiction……my youth, innocence, my body, pieces of my soul, friends, trust………belief in myself.
I am ready to quit……….
Recently I also met someone. He’s been in my life for more than a year now, but it only recently turned romantic. I know starting relationships during this time in my recovery is risky, but for me waking up and choosing not to use is a risk. I take risks going to the grocery store, the wine just so happens to be right near the ice cream. Everything I do right now is a risk……I found beauty in his flaws, and power in his strength so I decided he could be worth it.
It was a short romance……..we had what I thought was an amazing date. We just sat around and talked. He had gotten me to open up in away I had been unable to. We were so different but at the same time we seemed so similar. We both have darkness but we refused to let it consume us and we both had things we were fighting to prove. When the date was over he left me a journal so I had a tool to get out all my feelings…..he encouraged me to keep doing this blog. When he looked at me I felt like he was seeing not who I was but who I was striving to be. It was silly but I really could see myself with him but we seldom get the things we want. A part of my recovery is being an open book. I will not shy away from mistakes or hide them…..so when I once again relapsed I not only knew I had to tell him but I also wanted to. I felt safe with him and desperately needed reassurance…….
Quickly I sensed a shift one that I’ve been used to and had experienced many times. He wrote me a nice long heart felt text…..put simply that I wasn’t worth the risk. Truthfully it’s human instinct, self preservation. He had his own problems and was afraid we’d weigh each other down. The only thing sadder than the lion killing the wounded zebra is when it kills the other one trying to protect it. So that was it……he couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t sure they even wanted to get better. I saw red flags too, I had my doubts, I knew it wasn’t right but I thought he was worth it…. the risk. I see now what an utter waste that risk would have been. He didn’t believe in me….. but I do.
We relapse alone….but we recover together, that’s what the brave people in my recovery group say. It has been such an amazing experience hearing their stories and knowing I’m not alone in this. They believe in me, my family believes, and my friends. These are the people who I need to focus on the ones who refuse to doubt me….I will not lose hope for recovery and for love. I believe that they are intertwined…..I want to open the door for one while closing the door on the other. No one can tell me I don’t want to get better….I want it more than the air I breathe. I want it so badly it hurts me all over and haunts me while I sleep……..
I’m meeting with my therapist about a radical course for treatment….one that may finally get me on a straight path to recovery and I’m willing to try anything now…..because it’s worth it.